Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
