think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
