Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
