His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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