If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
