Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
