I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
