get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
