god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
