Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
