So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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