I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
