I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
