who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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