she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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