I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
