Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
