Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
