I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
