i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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