After last night, I could never be a politician.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
