She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
