why didn't you poke me back
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
