dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
