walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
