Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
how does that bad decision feel?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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