remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
