Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
