We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
