Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
