Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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