please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
