great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
