dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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