i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
