He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
