Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
