There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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