I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
