you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
