Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
