I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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