I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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