Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
