It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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