Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She's the barista slut.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
