i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
