So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
