The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
