Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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