I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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